About a couple of months ago as my birthday was approaching I had contentment in my heart. I looked at my life and saw where I was going or rather where I wish I was. While it was all fine and dandy, the real question I asked myself was…am I content? The dictionary defines content as being in a state of peaceful happiness. It made me reflect and realize where I stood with it. I don’t believe I’m content, but it’s something I’m working on. Will I be happy once I gain what I wanted or will it be an endless loop. I’m not saying its bad to have goals to better yourself. What I am saying is will I actually be happy if I attain those goals? What void is it trying to fill?
Around my birthday I wasn’t in the best of places. My heart was sad, and I couldn’t seem to find my way out of endless gloomy days. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I wasn’t embracing my situation and learning to be okay with it. It seemed that every little thing was bothering me and I was crying woe is me. I know I know, not my best moments. This one thing in my life was starting to spread to other areas. It was starting to consume me and I couldn’t contain it. It was overpowering me. It got to the point where I couldn’t recognize myself. Things that didn’t bother me were starting to, I began to have short temper and I hated it. I hated that it got to this point. I started working extra to make it seem like everything around me wasn’t crashing down. I had done this once before, except the last time I hid it so well no one had a clue I was suffering in silence. I did not want to go back, because I knew my heart would not make it again. The burden was just too much to bear.
I had to speak life into myself. I had to pull my big girl pants on and say enough is enough! It wasn’t easy, but neither was suffering. I had to go to the one place or one person who would always no matter what love me. I had to set my eyes above. I had to have Him work this issue out. This meant I had to relinquish my control over the matter and let faith take over. Let me tell you it was hard, and it still is. I work at this every single day. Even as I write this post I feel like I’m never going to stop working on it. I had to step back and really realize that this situation was mine. It wasn’t going anywhere unless I became proactive about it. I remember I wanted my soul to have peace. I wanted nothing more than to fast forward to 3 years from now and finally have a sunny day.
However, that’s not how things work. Around this time I had read the verses Philippians 4:11-13 “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” I don’t know about you, but for me this was mind blowing. I had known Philippians 4:13 my whole life. But I did not know it was about being content. I figured it was just us knowing we could do all things through him (hey never said I was perfect, definitely still learning) This was mind blowing to me because this spoke to me about my situation at that time. He was bringing me low in my life, and I had to learn while I was there. Perhaps I didn’t bounce out of my situation right then and there, but I looked at my situation differently. I no longer thought woe is me, I thought God, this is for me. And while it still sucks, I will be okay because you say so. I didn’t just want to go through this, I wanted to grow through it. My pain wasn’t going to be in vain, victory was already mine. My soul felt lighter, my God was a God of love and grace, and I knew that everything was going to be okay. I felt peace over the matter. I knew I was making progress, and I continue to do so. That situation from a couple of months ago, I am still dealing with it. But I’ll tell one thing, anything worth having is worth effort. I don’t want to make excuses but I know the discernment behind it. It’s one of the many reasons why I wanted to do this blog. Something to hold me accountable. I’m human, I’m growing and I will make mistakes.
Being content is so much more than being happy with what you have. It’s learning to accept the circumstances and learning to look at them differently.