boys

It’s Time

I think it’s time I talk about something that’s both important and scary for me. My relationships. All my life I’ve had 2 boyfriends. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but in the chance that you’re reading this post first; both of those relationships were for a long time. To sum it up I was in my first relationship for a little over 3 years. My second relationship was 5 years. Together that’s a total of 8 years, ages 16-24. That is a long time. You learn so much about yourself in those years. I mean I did, but there was always a shadow next to me.

My last relationship left me broken, and it’s taken me a long time to heal from it. I never wanted to admit to myself that he broke me as much as he did. Rather I don’t think I wanted to admit that I could be broken in such a way that effect my being. To have someone be your best friend and trust them, and then turn around and hurt you. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I just remember my whole world came crashing down, and I know it sounds dramatic but it’s how I felt.

I didn’t know what to do. I will say that the first time we broke up he initiated it. During the last year maybe even last two years were some of our worst. We fought a lot and as I wanted to grow more in my faith there were huge differences. The differences were always there I just never paid attention to them. I chose to only see what I wanted to see. There was huge tug at my heat to end things, but I didn’t want to. I loved him. He was, in my mind, the boy I wanted to marry. At least that’s what I thought in the beginning. I started to have scary thoughts that you’re not supposed to have when you’re in a relationship. I would think to myself…he’s not the one I want. I know I will not be happy if we ever go down that road. I felt ashamed for even thinking that, because in a way I felt like I was betraying him.

In the end we broke up and very cliche like we returned back, I don’t want to disclose the reason why but just know it was not healthy. I kept going back to the one thing I needed to run away from. I’m not saying he’s bad, what I am saying is that our relationship was bad. It was bad for the both of us, how are you supposed to stop talking to the one person you talked to everyday for the past 4 years. I didn’t exactly know how to do it. I remember the day we first broke up, we agreed to spend the next day together as our farewell. Sounds odd…trust me even to me but it’s what we did. I mean think about it what are you supposed to do there’s no manual for this. Everyone does it different.

This is where the true heartbreak for me starts. Actions were done, and I was broken. At this point I had gone through a breakup once before, so when the feelings weren’t matching up I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that my I felt a sadness, nothing like I had ever felt before. It was a sadness that was deep down…deep down in my soul. Months go by and I still felt really heartbroken and I just wanted it to end. Parts of me couldn’t understand why I was so sad when I wanted to break up. I mean there were so many differences between us. None of this made sense to me until I found out I had a soul tie, an unGodly soul-tie.

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